June 07, 2006

take my identity, please

when i was in college, i was friends with a band. their name was, i'm not making this up, "foot". i'm serious, they played at my wedding. anyhow, they had a song and the main chorus was, "you can fuck me running, cause i ain't laying down." happy tune (and no, they did not play that at the wedding-would have been a good precurse though, in retrospect). i had to laugh because this is the song that my brain spit out about shower time this morning and it's been with me all day.

i got one of those letters today. you know, the chain letter of 2006? it goes something like this: dear miss chou lady, don't hate us, but one of our employees had his laptop stolen, or possibly he just forgot where he put it down, we don't really know. and by the way, very very sensitive information about you was accessible on said laptop. oh, and further, although the info was encrypted, it's still accessible so we are offering you a free membership at creditcolonoscopy.com for one whole year only. enjoy the rest of your life! BIG BANK

you know i see this shit every day. ut business school, berkeley, big corporations, the military, today it is the only answer in identity theft. 2.2 million? oops. when i googled "identity lost laptop," i found this interesting story from way back in april 2000. uh huh. lost laptop, familiar story. yeah, don't go there, there's already a blog.

ok, so i'm not very technologically savvy. i don't do ANY work from home and never have used a laptop for work. in fact, i have to be at my desk physically to access client info. so what is with every tom, dick and harry having super intelligence loaded up on their laptops? is that necessary? really? do we need those slinky handcuffs (toddler cuffs) to keep you in touch with your data? i didn't think so. the average laptop is for pushing widgets, no? are you believing all these super clearance fucktards??

please solve this problem, whatever it really is, because it scares me much more what you are likely covering up. afterall, this ain't my first rodeo. "lost laptop" is the cliche of today's business clusterfucks--it's the "check's in the mail" of our time.

i know this is a serious issue, but the thought of someone stealing my identity is really quite laughable. i challenge you to limp out of the state on my sterling credit & reputation. good luck with that, loserhoid, it hasn't been that great for me.

i am going to throw myself headlong into my other identity. that's right, peeps. where are all the shiny armed yummies congregating this summer? why, at the little city's inaugural citizen police acadamy, that's where. taught by the uniformed yummies in the heart of the cop shop, rowr. it took me all of 5 seconds to decide to join up. yep, summer is definitely heating up in the hill country. officer copsucker, reporting for duty. wish me luck.

Posted by shoe at June 7, 2006 07:57 PM | TrackBack

Identity theft is another one of those ambiguous things that scare the crap out of me.


Good luck with the police academy!!

Are uniforms involved?

By the way, you haven't mentioned that guy Spur or any other suitable bachelors. If you are free and clear, give me a ring, there's this hot fireman dude I'm dying for you to meet!


Posted by: Christina at June 7, 2006 09:16 PM

At IBM I was given a laptop just so I could access shit at work when I was at home. Tech support never sleeps. Most technical people were that way. They were given a laptop and were able to use internet access at home or on the road and attach to a VPN (Virtual Private Network) to get to the IBM network. It's the IBM way. Just because you are out of town or at home didn't mean you couldn't work.

Posted by: Denny at June 7, 2006 10:36 PM

Ahh, the infamous letter. I've received two in the last two years. Bastids.

Posted by: oddybobo at June 8, 2006 11:01 AM

Please no identity theft!!! Having a common last name is bad enough - I'm still getting mail & phone calls regarding a certain Pam Chope from a little town in Wyoming where you lived ..... all these years later and they still think I have an inside track on where to find her.

Posted by: Zapatamama at June 8, 2006 01:01 PM

I'm all about VPN's and lap dances...


Could've had a V-8

Posted by: Yabu at June 8, 2006 09:34 PM

It would be difficult for me to do my job without a laptop. There was even one project where I was going out every day with two of them. That's right, going out. For field data collection a tower case and glass monitor just don't cut it.

Posted by: triticale at June 15, 2006 09:08 AM