September 20, 2006

conspiracy theorists

woe is me, fine frillios. what a freaking day. had lunch with two of my favorite townies. we dined beside the guadalupe river, a sunny perfect day. but i knew, something was wrong. deep down, i knew not to enjoy it too much. despite the blaring song of the bluebirds and the orgasmic pleasure of the company, i knew the man was still trying to knock me down, and i wasn't going to be caught blithely smiling as he stuck it to me.

a certain tech stock that's meaningful to me took a 12% jump in the earliest part of the trading day. that's how our previously unassaulting conversation got on the wrong track. i'm a fucking stockbroker, i know better!! do not attempt any rational business conversation where they serve countryfried chicken and cream gravy. it pollutes the mind and the thighs equally, fa reals.

so like a blow out, up pops big oil. not just big oil, but the biggest. my numero uno position, yo. the question is posed, "why do you think gas prices are dropping?" i won't bore you with my response, it was my run of the mill "rah rah capitalism" spiel. i was in the home stretch, and the crowd was cheering me on, and just as the smile was sneaking across my face, out came the grim reaper to plant the sickle of stunned expression right between my brows.

now i can't say this in any artistic way. i really try hard here, try to write for your entertainment and pleasure, but i don't do whackjob. i can't translate it, or pretty it up. all i can do is repeat here as i remember it being communicated to me, communicated by one i truly respect, one of the sweetest men i know.

he said there were probably ten of em, or so. powerful men, you know, them. they were just bringing down gas prices for a month or two, seeing as they really like what they've been getting. and with the election coming, they figure they'll have everybody gassing up and smiling, "woohoo, gasoline is only 2.50 a gallon!! long live george bush!!" and vote republican. and then, you know, get more of these good times they've been getting.

supply and demand, not an issue. normal price volatility of a commodity, horse-fucking madness. record corporate profits, who cares? it's all up to ten or so guys, republicans, no less. and they decide it all.

thank goodness we had lunch so i could ponder the sheer worthlessness of my existence for the rest of the afternoon. what was i doing again? why?

please, if you read this theory and it kind of made sense to you, drop me a comment and then seek a qualified mental health provider and ask for the full treatment. this simply defies even the most common sense. truly it does.

Posted by shoe at September 20, 2006 09:32 PM | TrackBack

the fun part about conspiracy theories is that you are ALWAYS right. Even when someone proves you wrong with logic, reason, facts, etc, it just goes to prove even more that they are part of the conspiracy and that the conspiracy is so effective it manages to alter reality so the facts work against you.

It's better than having to rationally think through a situation and risk being wrong.

Posted by: RSM at September 20, 2006 09:41 PM

Ah enlightenment. The blinkers have been removed and the glaring truth like the morning sun assails your senses and a new day is born.

p.s. My psychologist says Hey!

Posted by: Monty at September 20, 2006 10:57 PM

What RSM said.
PS - We don't have conspiracies in Canada ;)

Posted by: Lisa W. at September 21, 2006 04:56 AM

I'm torn. On the one hand I'd like to believe that, by flooding us with cheap oil, Hugo Chavez is playing right into Karl Rove's ace trump, but my preferred conspiracy theory is that Kinky Friedman is Adolph Hitler reincarnated. (What that has to do with the price of gasoline I haven't worked out yet. I'll get back with you.)

Posted by: Bob at September 21, 2006 07:19 AM

Yeah, I've heard it before. In the low-brow circles that I am constantly in that is the current theory of the day.

Now if gas prices start going back up on November 8th, well then I may just start listening to the conspiracy dudes a bit more :)

Posted by: Richard at September 21, 2006 04:39 PM

RedNeck Thesaurus:

Choose any of the below to substitute for "wackjob":

Ahmadinejad = wackjob
Chavez = wackjob
Korean, Elivs = wackjob
Chirac = wackjob

Think harder Chou...

Lower gas prices = Thank you very much, whoever...

Posted by: RedNeck at September 21, 2006 07:03 PM

Those ten guys share a cube outside Karl Rove's office, don'tcha know.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at September 21, 2006 07:14 PM

I had heard that they same guys that control gas prices also control global warming.

It's true.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at September 22, 2006 07:24 AM

I hear ya, girl. I tried to ping ya, but MUNU wouldn't let me. Check it out:

Posted by: Dash at September 22, 2006 09:03 AM

I LOVE people like that...makes ME feel sane..LOL!!!!

Posted by: Kelly at September 22, 2006 12:25 PM