August 23, 2006

the wait of the world

my hand stretched out, startled i awoke, the bed was wet. was it me? nope, dry as the badlands-but no kids in my bed, peculiar.

turns out the offender snuck in when i was asleep and then finding the accomodations much too jacuzziesque for sleeping, stripped himself of his pee soaked clothing and snuggled up, dry as a urine soaked bone, in his own cozy little bed and slept like a champ.

i hate starting a day like this. knowing i'm freaking cursed at the crack o day, waiting on it. two tons of responsibility pressing down on my chest.

by nine i was talking live with true teacher from the office of his school. seems, number one, he's loud. number two, he says inappropriate things in school. for example, the teacher asked, "where did you go this summer?" he replied, "to the bathroom." they read a book about a rabbit named robbie. there was an uproarious classroom discussion just after(thanks to guess who). true said robbie farted to make himself jump higher. and finally, when the teacher asked for words to describe robbie, true said he was an evil bunny.

not having read the book, i was struggling with the message. the delivery was also disturbing as it is only day five of the new school year and the teacher was getting all columbine on me over true's inappropriate usage of the word "evil" in school.

damn good adjective, if you ask me, but she wasn't asking. no, not at all. guess she doesn't see the president using the word. ever watch the news, lady? axis of evil?

but i digress, as i'm prone to do.

did i mention the water was shut off at my office? all day. yep, it was an undeclared showdown of sordids between my landlord and my neighboring tenant. good thing i was expecting high casualties today, because my bladder took it for the team.

anyhow, my day is droning on and on, much like this post, when i suddenly had an avalanche of fence sitters. just after lunch, my phone rings, and it's my cowboy fence sitter. he asks if i have a minute, comes down to my office and moves just under two million dollars to me.

i walk him out to the lobby where ANOTHER long time fence sitter is sitting just shooting the shit with red. we have a nice discussion in the lobby, with orders and the works. he leaves and then red informs me, my slip is showing.

sure enough, i look down and my early morning haze comes into sharp focus. since i couldn't find the short slip, i just pulled the long one halfway up my torso. classy. it's hanging, not just a little lace showing, but two full inches below my hemline. i laugh until my mascara runs, and then i call it a day.

and i am almost believing that all this waiting was purposeful--that the psychological weight of the world is just levity, nothing more.
spur smashed by colima boulder.JPG

Posted by shoe at August 23, 2006 10:17 PM | TrackBack

Sounds to me like the True teacher expects him to behave like a girl. To that I say, "Sorry lady -- boys wiggle, are loud, and find all things scatological uproariously funny. Lighten up and laugh."

It also occurs to me that, if (as the teacher asserts) Robbie the Rabbit actually never farts, then he probably is evil. Anal retentive folks invariably are.

And speaking of retentive folks, congratulations on your $2-million client finally shift his load.

Posted by: Bob at August 24, 2006 08:04 AM

Sounds like the teacher has "just a bit of attitude". Hmmmmm might need an adjustment. I'm just sayin'...

As for the rest of your day? YEAH! Fence Sitters movin'!! ALWAYS makes a day good. (sorry, it's just a really bad habit of mine to find the silver lining. I'll try and refrain from now on.)

Posted by: Tammi at August 24, 2006 12:35 PM

... girl, that stripping and leaving the pee-clothes behind is just plain cunning... your little man is going to go far...

Posted by: Eric at August 24, 2006 01:16 PM

Heheheh... Eric beat me to commenting about the wisdom shown by your boy.

Hope the day gets better for ya, but just in case, I'll tip a few in your direction!

'Luck, Lady Shoe!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at August 24, 2006 05:05 PM

Day five and a bee already crawled up her ass? Seriously, evil = inappropriate? I don't think so! But I could come up with a few not so appropriate words for her. Boys will be boys, and he's a charmer to be sure.

Posted by: oddybobo at August 24, 2006 07:35 PM

I really hate waking up in a pool of boy pee. There are some things I will just never miss!!

As for his teacher, that whole thing is unfortunate. We had a teacher like that in Kindergarten. Long damn year. The next year, luckily got the Sainted teacher, as we ended up in the office for finding a pocket knife on the playground and... keeping it in his pocket. If it has been his K teacher... holy crap, she'd have come unhinged.

Good Luck. If she starts hurting your son's self esteem... maybe you can get him moved.

Posted by: Bou at August 25, 2006 05:12 AM

Oiy...not off to a good start. The teacher sounds like a bit of a witch. I hope things get better from here on in. Good luck and keep us posted!

Posted by: Moogie at August 25, 2006 01:18 PM

I'm with everyone else- tell the teacher to chill, but be ready to insist they change his teacher- but ask the office staff or a librarian/media specialist who the best one for his grade is 1st, then get him there.

Posted by: holder at August 26, 2006 05:54 PM