April 01, 2007

Psychobitch, Ignited

So back to the matter at hand. Thursday night, Alex brought me a piece of paper when I asked about his homework. He told me all I had to do was put names into the computer. He knows I like the computer, so he thought I'd be all over it.

Names in the computer? Hmmm.

Unfortunately, as my own psychobitch was flaring, I must have ignited the paper because it is long gone. However, it was a salespitch, the same kind I wrote about back when True bought into the whole salesgig thing, back in 2005. This time, a new twist as it was all online driven.

Basically, it's an exciting opportunity for our school to enhance our reading program. ALL we have to do, is go to our computer at home in the next 6 hours (before the next school day) and enter a dozen email addresses & that's it!! Alex will receive a plush stuffed animal, a flying chicken for his work, and every mini soul in that kinder class wants to win that chicken. The fever is unreal.

I had a two word answer for Alex that left him bawling. He cried and cried and said it was his homework and he was going to be in trouble. Major drama that night, very uncharacteristic of Alex, that erupted over and over again until bedtime.

And because I'm an earlybird blown-eye, I hit the box pre shower every day. Oddly enough, Friday morning, Alex surfaced, sales pitch in hand at 6 in the morning, and once again begged me to enter the names.

Y'all, heartbreak must be the primary contributing factor in all psychobitch outbreaks. At six a.m., I just can not deal with my baby boy crying because he doesn't understand why mommy hates his homework or why I want to make him the only outcast kinder kid that doesn't get the glorious stuffed flying chicken. THE HORROR!

Hey, I think I've admitted one or two times I'm not that good at this.

Well, that in fact, ignited my psychobitch which I, in turn, read on my young republican's face as a total Kerry styled reversal. All of the sudden, Alex was fine with me not entering the names and his quest became keeping me from going to his school to discuss just why they were turning my baby into a spam artist for Readers freaking Digest?? You mean they aren't already bankrupt? You think this will save them?

Oh, but go I did. Had a meeting with the principal and it was entirely unproductive, as most psychobitch outbreaks are. She assured me that she herself had played guinea pig and tried the program. She, of course, remembered to plug how reputable reader's digest IS (was, ever?), you know, that brought to you byline of our culture? ANYONE, explain to me what is reputable about extorting sales leads from 6 year olds? ANYONE?? You want to see psychobitch? Try and swill-sell this saleswoman and I'll take your firstborn, just on principle. It makes me mad as hell.

When the principal asked how I thought she should resolve this issue, I said it was simple, give Alex a chicken and we'll be over it. She said, "His mommy can buy him a chicken, " which, holy fuck, it's amazing I didn't maim her for life right then. I hate being spoken to in third person! Is she trying to mess with me?

I made a really unbelievably graceful (I thought) exit, although, I'm certain the smoke was still pouring out my ears as I left, I was fuming. Still, you can't fight city hall and why even try?

You reap what you sow, and so do those fuctards out there.

Posted by shoe at April 1, 2007 09:30 AM | TrackBack

Someone once told me Reader's Digest was a fund-raising front for the CIA. Looks like it might be the Vast Chicken Wing Conspiracy, though...

Posted by: El Capitan at April 1, 2007 10:20 AM

Shoe, that's unacceptable; I wouldn't have done it either.

Posted by: Chickie at April 1, 2007 01:04 PM

What El Cap says, me too.

Honestly, if a few more people would blow a gasket when the school pulls this kind of extortion, Ms I-Know-What's-Best might think twice about shaking down six-year-olds. That school principal will always be clueless about the ethics, but maybe (like Pavlov's dog) she can be taught to avoid raging mommies.

Posted by: Bob at April 1, 2007 01:54 PM

Good on ya for going to the school. The principal deserves to be royally bitchslapped!

Posted by: Denny at April 1, 2007 03:30 PM

As new corporate trainer, I'd like to bring you in as a guest speaker on the finer points of not going abso-fucking-lutley balistic on an obvious moron. Sometimes laydown's are the dumbest peeps on the planet.

Posted by: SpudKing at April 1, 2007 06:56 PM

I don't get why you wouldn't hep out the poor Alleymouse.

*runs the fuck away*

Posted by: That 1 Guy at April 1, 2007 09:52 PM

We don't do those silly fundraisers anymore, either. I'll give ya'll 15 bucks- and you get to keep all of it! Better yet, tell me what supplies you need- I'll send some in. Pete comes home just dying for that $3 prize but had to sell $800 worth of stuff for. Sheesh.

Posted by: holder at April 2, 2007 07:48 AM

I received the same shit from our school, and my son. The promise of a flying chicken (was it a slingshot chicken or some such nonsense?) is a powerful thing apparently.He would not give up on it until I crumpled the paper up and threw it in the garbage. You would think I killed the dog with a hammer.Fucking chaos ensued. But I prevailed with the threat of severe reprocutions if said paper removed itself from the trash to try to persuade Mom when she makes it home. It was quite after that.

Posted by: kerrcarto at April 2, 2007 10:41 AM

Your last post made me forget the real reason I came by today. I am sitting here in the officce listening to Rush and I swear to the maker he used the word bragadoches this morning. Usually that would not have meant anything to me, exept I wondered if he knew the "true" meaning of the word.

Posted by: kerrcarto at April 2, 2007 10:50 AM

No, no...it's CRAZY bitch...

and my kids do not even ask me to do fundraisers...LOL...there's too many of them and not enough of me...I do something more along the lines of holder...

Posted by: kelly at April 2, 2007 01:40 PM

"...She said, 'His mommy can buy him a chicken... '"

Speaking of "Pretty Fucked Up," had *I* been there, that teacher would have been pretty fucked up herself, and the scene of me being dragged away in cuffs, with the state police aiming to tranquilize my ass mighta been pretty fucked up, too.

Nah, I wouldn'ta done that (moi?), but I'da been thinking it, real hard, and that teacher woulda known it, too, and thought twice before she ever pulled an insolent stunt like that again.

Whatta twat.

Posted by: Erica at April 2, 2007 03:10 PM

oh no no no no they did NOT do that?!?!

Girl, you handled that WAY better than I would. That place would be declared a disaster zone if I had gone in there.

What complete and utter moron thought that would be a good "activity" for children?

Oh no no no no no no.


Posted by: Tammi at April 2, 2007 06:53 PM

Gimme a picture of that teacher and I'll make her the subject for a fantastic "Friday Fishing" post...chicken included!

Posted by: marcus at April 2, 2007 09:53 PM

Do I need to get the tribe involved?

Say the word.

Posted by: Yabu at April 3, 2007 11:08 AM

Yabu - Get the tribe involved? Everyone knows you're a pussy. You wimped out on going to Claxton! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Posted by: Denny at April 3, 2007 09:53 PM

Love you baby! I know just where you get it!

Posted by: zapatamama at April 4, 2007 06:29 AM