November 06, 2005

confessions from the tooth fairy

i join you now in my snowflake pjs, tiara in place, wings a bit broken and fairy dust? it's dusty alright. the boys are gone, i've degenerated.

the life of a fairy isn't quite what you would think. not at all magical. not at all whimsical. very serious business being a procurer of lost body parts. especially baby teeth, those suckers are teeneeny.

being in the black market teeth trade, you need to keep your wits about you. which means lavish living should be tabled for the peak tooth letting season. i failed miserably at this primary objective of toof fairies this past week.

as if two car accidents and a weeks worth of pain pills wouldn't be mind numbing in themselves, i had the extreme fortune to see Willie Nelson play thursday night at Floore's Country Store. not only is this a historic artist venue combination here in central texas, it's also a venue i had never been to prior. good times.

wild mixed audience at a willie show. teenagers to old folks, hippies to cowboys, it ain't your normal american segregation going on down at a willie show, he draws all kinds. saw a couple grinding away on each other dirty dancing style to "i'll fly away." fuck people, i'm just not as open minded as i used to be.

glad we stood to the right of the stage. had a good view of willie and the bar that served canned shiners was directly behind us. i had never seen a canned shiner in all my texas travels, this was a first. yellow beer. it was spoetzel.

perhaps a bad idea what with the pain killers and hour drive home. thank god i wasn't driving, but it was my rental car and we saw multiple deer. i paid off the babysitter and hit the hay at 2 am.

awoke in a panic. true lost a tooth at school thursday. i realized this around 6 am on 4 hours of sleep and took off for the kitchen. found the tooth fairy payola bag and began searching for a sacajawea dollar. shit, shit. true will be up any second and no sacajawea in the house. i'm fuct.

ransacked true's backpack in search of the tooth. we've lost several. the school sends them home in these plastic tooth shaped boxes. then after true shows it to a few dozen kids at school, it almost always disappears. however, this time, i couldn't find the tooth shaped box or the dollar. double fuct. and not enough sleep. i rushed around. it was unproductive.

finally robbed true's own bank where i found what i'm sure was his last tooth payment. surely the only sacajawea in the house. i'm evil, i'm going to lose my children, i'm the lowest filth on the planet. i'm a lazy ass fairy who steals from little kids, a nasty regifting pixie. too drugged up to fly, too cranky to care.

i shoved that sacajawea in the bag and stuffed it under true's pillow. and just as i did, true opened his eyes and said "hi, mommy." ugh, i'm not your mommy, kid. i'm a terrible person. you don't want to know me, trust me.

true jumped out of the top bunk and ran to the restroom. i walked to the doorway and asked true if he had a good time with the babysitter. he said yes and then i asked him if he got to show her his tooth he lost, cause i had looked everywhere when i got home last night, but i couldn't find it, so i never saw his lost tooth.

"uh, i put it under my pillow!" said true sarcastically from behind the bathroom door. "do you think the tooth fairy brought me a golden dollar?"

oh shit, i took off running for the boys' room. true came flying out of the bathroom my hand went under the pillow and true threw the pillow off the bed and grabbed the dollar. i have no idea if he saw me retrieve the tooth. he seemed pretty blinded with greed, but i was groggy to say the least. i really don't know.

i am going to have to focus. priorities, people. the mother of all fantasy holidays is coming. i'm pretty dull on my duties of late. time to buckle down. straighten up and fly right and all that.

wish me luck

Posted by shoe at November 6, 2005 11:30 AM | TrackBack