December 27, 2006

suicidal santa

My shweet loverlies,

If you should see me shirking through the Walmart in the wee hours of the night, don't be frightened, don't be worried, though I cry incessantly, I'm alright.

See the dark, deep gash in the meaty part of my thumb? There's another on my opposing wrist. Yes, things got very violent the other night. There was a knife, and some scissors, and a few other random weapons from the tool drawer. You have never heard such a rampage of malevolent language in your life.

Turns out safety plastic is the antichrist. I proved it.

I finally hit the hay at two. At 3, True went to the bathroom and claimed he heard Santa just "ho ho ho-in' around in the living room" (I wish). We then began a 3 hour debate about when might be an appropriate time to wake his brother and go see what Santa left.

By six, brother Alex (who relocated to my room to try and throw off True's prodding) is up and at 'em. At 6:30, I emerge on little to no sleep. I'm grumpy and groggy, but I think, let's do this shit, and I persevere.

I make it to the coffee pot before I notice something. All the bionicles are already put together and posed for combat along the fireplace ledge. There is a new carpet of legos and chocolate extending from the stockings to the couch. Candy wrappers are everywhere. Orange peel. Apple cores. It's as if Christmas happened hours ago, and chances are, it probably did.

I consoled myself with chocolate which has since led to a fresh crop of deep rooted chocolate zits. JOY! So to go with my bruises, scabby slashed wrists and missing fingernails, I am now developing a lovely meth-head complexion.

I worked Friday and Tuesday and barely slept a wink in between. I feel real shitty and I look worse, but was it worth it?

Well, what do you think?


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December 25, 2006

futile fables of faith

True, "Mom, do you believe in Easter?"

me, "Uh, yes. Why?"

True, "Because I believe in Santa, but he's a man. A man giving toys to boys and girls, that I can believe in. But animals are different, they're not smart. I mean, a bunny that puts chocolate into plastic eggs and then hides them for children--that's really weird. Isn't it?"

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December 22, 2006

who meme?

Since there is a shortness of time & nerves of late, I was so appreciative of Mr. Joisey himself passing on the yuletide glee meme. I needed it, Jimbo. I think I've been kind of a grinch so far this year, just circumstance really. So holiday spam? Hells yeah, let's feast on it. Maybe it will be the cure-all for my holiday funk...

1) Wrapping paper or gift bags? Would it suprise you to know my first job was at a hallmark store in the mall? I lied about my age to get a job there when I was 14. Today, they would call it identity fraud, but back then they called it "industrious". I just liked money. Anyway, wrapping paper, always, just for the concealment factor.

2) Real tree or artificial? Artificial. Prelit, too. Not the most believable looking thing, but with enough ornaments, who cares? Plus it matches my drive-thru lifestyle.

3) When do you put up the tree? Thanksgiving weekend.

4) When do you take it down? New Years? hopefully.

5) Do you like eggnog? Hell no, and I don't need to use curdled milk as a justification to get drunk during the holidays. Generally, I'm surrounded by my family. Where's the wine?

6) Favorite gift you received as a child. Toss up between the record player and rock 'em sock 'em robots (which was probably my brother's), at least in memory. Nope, I take it back, definitely the year of the dollhouse. But every gift from Santa seemed amazing when I believed.

7) Do you have a nativity scene?Yep, it's just a scrawny three piece though.

8) Hardest person to buy for? Everyone? No thing ever seems good enough for the people I love.

9) Easiest person to buy for? My kids. They are so excited about Santa, there is no possible way they will be anything less than carmelized with christmas satisfaction come wakey wake time for the rest of you.

10) Mail or Email Christmas cards? Sometime back when I divorced, I stopped sending them at all. I'm ashamed, because I love getting them. And I do send out Christmas cards to all my people who trust me with their money. I just lack the right combination of organization, forethought and give-a-shit in my personal life, and plus, no Red to help.

11) Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A pair of stinky earrings from my first love. They were pretty too, but I couldn't stand to wear them that close to my nose.

12) Favorite Christmas movie? It's a wonderful life, no contest. Used to drop the AC way down, make cookies & watch it.

13) When do you start shopping? Whenever I recognize something that might be appreciated by someone I love. I'm a needs-based capitalist, so practicality always turns me on.

14) Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Never.

15) Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? I have been fantasizing (daily) about eating barbecued brisket on Christmas morning, so I broke down and placed an order yesterday. Actually, I pick up the brisket tomorrow and it will be a true Christmas miracle if there's any left by Monday.

16 ) Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear

17) Favorite Christmas song? The Partridge Family's My Christmas Card to You. Nothing says nostalgia like David Cassidy, at least for me.

18) Travel at Christmas or stay home? We are staying home this year, and I'm looking forward to it. But we've been known to hit the road more years than not.

19) Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeer? Yep.

20) Angel on the tree top or a star? Star. Alex got frustrated with our lacking and made us a plain white paper star. It's pretty cool, actually.

21) Open the presents on Christmas Eve or morning? I quote the mighty Rest Stop, "Christmas Morning — always."

22) Most annoying thing about this time of year? People liquidating their serious long term savings accounts to a) purchase a gluttony of Christmas crap they apparently can't afford or b) because they've decided they can predict a major market movement that is coming, one that has eluded all the experts and is probably just a veiled attempt to retain some dignity in the face of utter dumbassery (ie, they're lying about their liquidation reasons).

23.Do you have Jebus in your heart this Christmas? Well, in a sense. Everytime I open my eyes, I see some form of depravity (enhanced experience at walmart). Maybe the gift of a savior that taught love above all else has gotten a little lost in the New Age Non-Denominational Christmas Experience, but to me, it only enhances the need. The hard thing (for me) is having Jesus in my heart year round.

24) What would you like for Christmas? I have far more than I want, deserve or need. But maybe my 30k hit on the ole blodge, we'll see.

Now, who to ask to do this? I know some blown-eyeds who I don't think have responded yet:




That 1 Guy

And the fab Mr. Confabulator

And while I rarely get into meme's, I've enjoyed reading all ya'll's faves so thanks for playing, if you do, and thanks for posting already, if you have.

Merry Christmas, Blown-Eyed Bretheren!

Update: Tagged by Denny! Hey, I'm thankful to be thought of. Thanks!

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December 17, 2006

In Titlement

It started out as innocent as learning to write
name 1.jpg

But before too long, he was craving a little more status
name 2.jpg

And then more
name 3.jpg

Still more
name 4.jpg

He's spent his kindergarten year morphing into a real life mad scientist. One explanation, it appears, is so he could team up with his older brother to create this intricate plan of action. It was sheer luck that I found it. I have no idea what other maniacal plans I haven't foiled that may already be in the works.
our plan dec 06.jpg

And I really don't know what kind of title Mr. Dr. Alex is going to settle on, but I think it's pretty obvious he isn't going to be the type to let years of education get him down. I mean, why study when fraud pays double in half the time? He's got the respect of a doctor in kindergarten. We'll see where the professional designations go from here. I'll keep you fine, frequent flying blown-eyeds in the know.

Peace to all y'all!

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December 16, 2006

destination hell

From the Alleygato:

alex 2006 santa letter.jpg

Awe, he forgot to ask for anything. Sweet boy.

Not a problem for True. I like the way he leads with a compliment about the elves work ethic. Maybe he has a future in sales?

true2006 santa ltr no addy.jpg

And with that, I'm off to round up some elves and get some wishes well on their way to coming true. Wish me luck.

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December 14, 2006

The Merry Masochist

I don't want to go to bed, mainly, because I don't want to get up. I dread tomorrow today.

Yes, the children...the pure, sweet, excited, little children. Don't you know they are always on my mind to some extent?

Still, work is a nightmare. Did you see my market today? 12-4, good buddy. I know ya'll think it's just sunshine and rainbows at my place, but oh contrer, mon frere.

More business means more people which means more personalities and a vast variance of neuroses and societal disorders that yours truly comes in contact with each and everyday. In short, the fucktard quotient goes through the roof.

I've been talking with a bipolar about a boob job. For months. Basically, he wasn't thinking clearly. Doesn't believe he really meant to purchase the boobs at all. Normally, he wouldn't involve me, but we're talking about a sizeable booby prize if he can extort some cash out of the lady brandishing those new guns. He's obsessed. And I want my fucking memory erased. Now.

Remember my sweet love story about the couple moving into the nursing home? Well, he broke out. He couldn't take it. And here's the best part: you ready? He ditched the wife. Uh, huh. That ole gal he loved with all his heart? See ya.

Oh, and did I mention the business guy who asked that I meet him at a hotel room halfway to Houston to review his investment options? Yes, he's wealthy, he's handsome, and of course, married. All the good one's are! (read: bitchy cynicism)

And those are just a few of the disheartening and soul smashing stories playing out daily at a financial institution near you. Now I must sleep, my darlings, so I can sear a smile on tomorrow and face the joy of the season once again. I can't wait!

Merry Christmas Chaos to all, and to all, a good fight!

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December 09, 2006

too lazy for a real post







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December 04, 2006

deepest darkest vantasy

Oh, my
You were looking at me, weren't you?
Uh, huh

I've seen that look before.
Don't be shy.
Want to go for a ride?
I've got seven glorious bucket seats inside.
Yeah, it's comfortable all right.
Don't know where to go?
Well, I don't know.

Let's set the cruise and glide our lay-z-boy stride down the wide empty streets of this Christmas-coated dream town. I'll bundle you up and drop you at the park with a few of your very best friends. We can look at the lights reflected in the river.

And of course, I'll be available. I'll always be available. What else could I do?
Whenever you need me, just dial my digits, darlin. I promise, I won't be too busy for you.

Afterall, ever since the car's been in the shop, this mommy gig is pretty much all I've got. My deepest darkest vantasy? Pure fiction. This van destroys all hope of fantasy. I was merely trying to smut up this June Cleaver existence I've been forced to portray. But this ain't your daddy's trippy free love van, it's life repellant.

Trust me.

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December 03, 2006

breaking the logic barrier

Alleyfry: "Why does Santa need 3 Ho's?"

Me: "Uh, Boys, what are we talking about?"

Alleyfry: "I'm telling a joke. Why does Santa need 3 Ho's"

Me: (Bou blink)

Alleycat: "Why does Santa need 3 Ho's?"

Alleyfry: "Cause he's got three gardens"


True: "Wait a minute. That's just not sensible. Nothing grows in the North Pole. Santa doesn't have time to garden in the snow and the ice."

Truefry: "I agree. He's making toys, not farming. Santa's Ho's are for something else."

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December 02, 2006

forks in progress

i'm fragmented.

here are the topics i can't finish:
deepest darkest vantasy
the meating
happily never after

vote your conscience. the post of your choosing is waiting for your interest alone. that is, of course, if comments are working. oh, and if you don't like my choices, put your own, and i'll try blogging mad libs style.

Posted by shoe at 10:55 PM | Comments (12) | TrackBack